


John's Backstory - When Good Heists Go Bad

by mokayno



Series: When Good Heists Go Bad Universe [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, M/M, Thievery, magics, swearings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mokayno/pseuds/mokayno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John works as a Children's Party Magician, and on the side does show's at Bros bar once a month. The night of his big act, Bro decides that John either has to help him out with a little something, or he can't do his shows anymore. This is the back story John for my AU story "When Good Heists Go Bad."</p>
            </blockquote>





	John's Backstory - When Good Heists Go Bad

**Author's Note:**

> This is currently unedited, but it shouldn't be too bad. I just want to get it up, and have been too busy to edit it what with Midterms this week. If you find anything major that needs fixing, please let me know.

You knock on the bathroom door, yelling through the wood, “Dave hurry your ass up, you’re going to be late to work again!”

Your name is John Egbert, and your boyfriend of five years is going to make you and him late for work.

You can hear the water shut off, and him mumbling.

“And stop mocking me, I can practically see the pout on your face through the door,” you say as the door opens in front of you to show an indeed pouting boyfriend.

“But John, mocking you is how I show my love,” he leans against the door frame. You can see the steam from the shower coming off his bare skin, and that towel is dangerously close to falling off.

You put the back of your hand against your forehead, and flutter your eyelashes, “Oh Dave, I’m swooning. Look at me swoon Dave, catch me before I fall over,” you giggle up at him.

He ruffles your hair, and then kisses you softly before walking around you towards your shared bedroom. You follow him and double check the time on your watch. You start calculating in your head how long it takes to get him out of the door, and to drive to the bar. Tonight you’ll be joining him at his brother’s bar, because tonight is the Fifth of the month.

You practically skip through the door to your bedroom, you’re so excited. For the past five months or so, Dave’s older brother, Dirk has been letting you perform some of your bigger magic acts on his stage. It was great for publicity, seeing as a lot of the gigs you got these days were from parents that frequented the bar. Someday, you hoped to be able to do longer acts, and use a bigger stage. But, for now this would have to do.

Dave changed into his work clothes, which looked no different from his regular clothes. He was a bartender there, and had been since he’d turned 18. He’d been the one to convince Dirk to let you do a show at least once a month, and surprisingly he’d complied without thinking twice. Sometimes, Dave and you would theorize why he’d been so willing to do this for them, because they were sure it wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart. No matter what it was though, you were grateful nonetheless.

You quickly change your clothes as well, leaning more towards a slightly fancier getup then what Dave was wearing. Usually, you wore a silly tuxedo jacket with a t-shirt underneath it, with a top hat. The kids ate that shit up. But, seeing as tonight you’d be performing at a bar you decided to go with your really nice jeans, and a blue long sleeved shirt.

“You ready to go,” Dave calls out from the other side of the room, all dressed, keys in hand.

“Yup, I just need to find my shoes and text Jade again,” you say as you crawl on the floor looking for your left sneaker. “

How many times have you texted her already?”

You blush a little, and look under the bed, “Only five times I swear.” “

Wow, I think we’re setting world records tonight.”

You pick up a pillow from the floor and chuck it at him. He laughs as he catches it easily.

“Calm down love, only joking,” he says as walks across the room to you, bopping you on the head with the pillow.

You childishly stick your tongue out at him, as you spot your shoe underneath your dresser. You stick it on your foot and tie the laces quickly. He practically pulls you off the floor, and towards the door.

“And to think, you were the one bitching about being late,” he says as the two of you rush out of the door and down the stairs of your apartment building. You end up having to rush back up and lock the door.

When you’re both in the car, he backs out of your parking spot. You look in the back and check to make sure everything is there. You’d smartly packed all of your supplies while Dave was in the shower, but you liked to double check these things. You turn back around, and pull your phone out of your pocket. You have five new text messages.

Jade: Yes John, I remember to be there at 7pm.

Jade: john! How do you expect me to get ready if you keep texting me?

Jade: omg john stop.

Jade: john I swear to god if I get another text from you I won’t even show up.

Rose: john I can’t wait to see your show tonight. Jade has assured me that it will be fantastic.

“Rose is going to be there,” you inform Dave as he pulls up to a stop sign.

“I wonder if she’ll be bringing her mysterious new girlfriend along,” he muses.

“Man, I hope so. She’s been hiding her from us for long enough now. We are not that embarrassing,” you pout a little.

He smirks, turning into the bar’s parking lot, “remember when we started telling her last girlfriend about the Prom escapade? Rose didn’t talk to us for a week after that.”

“Pfff…Oh god, how could I forget about that? Maybe we really are that embarrassing.”

The two of you climb out of the truck and he helps you carry the parts of your box in through the back door of bar. After he’s helped you get everything in, he gives you a peck on the lips and wishes you good luck before he runs off to the bar.

You were nervous, excited, and really fucking jittery. This trick you’d been practicing for a half a year now, it was tricky and required a lot of timing. Tonight, you were going to cut your assistant in half.The box had cost you a bit more than you’d had liked to pay, but you were sure it was going to be worth it. Maybe, you’d be able to get bigger shows eventually doing these trickier tricks.

You walked out onto the stage, pushing your magic box onto the stage. The stage lights came on as you walked over to the microphone at the end of the stage.

“Hello, Hello testing,” you say into the mic, your voice reverberating across the bar. Faces turn toward you, most of them look wasted. You can see Dave over at the bar, and he gives you thumbs up for encouragement.

“Hello everyone, good evening, there are so many beautiful faces in the crowd tonight,” you laugh nervously and clear your throat, “I’m John Egbert, some of you may recognize me, some may not. If you don’t know my name, you will after tonight, because tonight what you will witness is something you’ve never seen done before. Never in a bar anyway. But, before we get along to the big stuff, let’s warm up with a few card tricks. Everyone loves a good card trick.”

You call volunteers to the stage, do a card trick or two, the audience was enraptured by your performance. It was most likely because they were drunk, as most of these tricks were so simple that a twelve year old could do them with ease. But, you had to get them to warm up to you somehow. Then it came time. You looked out into the audience and saw Jade sitting with Rose and another girl you didn’t recognize. You winked at her to signal it was time.

“Alright, my dear audience, sadly it is time for my last and final act of the night. But, as I promised it will be one that you all will not forget. Now, I’m going to have to ask for a volunteer, someone willing to be sawed in half,” you grin as you look around the room.

No one looks willing, so you try again, “Oh don’t worry I can assure you that I’ll put you back together again,” you grin as you look around the room.

Finally, Jade raises her hand, looking unsure of herself a little. It’s all part of the act, of course. You point toward her, “Look at that we have a willing volunteer. Why don’t you come up on the stage little darling.”

Jade stands up, and walks toward the stage. A few of the drunker patrons in the bar cheer her on, clapping their hands as she does. She walks bashfully onto the stage, and towards you.

“Hello, and how are you doing on this fine night?”

She smiles, and says into the mic, “I’m good, thanks.”

“And, could you give us a name?”

“Umm…It’s Jade.”

“Awesome, Jade. Now, tonight I’m going to be performing a very old trick, dating back as far as the 1920’s. The classic sawing a woman in half trick,” you walk over to the box, pushing it further up the stage.

Walking back you pick up your ‘saw’ and hold it out to Jade, “Jade, I would like for you to confirm that this is in fact a real saw.”

She hits it, and plays with the corners of it before nodding, “It’s definitely real.”

“Excellent. Sir,” you point to a man in the audience, “Could you come up here and confirm the fact this is a real saw as well.”

The man looks shocked, and walks up. He does the same as Jade, and confirms that it is in fact, a real saw. You ask the man to stay on stage, and ask for one more volunteer to come on up. You go through the whole routine of asking the men to confirm that your box is indeed a box. Finally, it comes time for the trick to truly begin.

You ask Jade to sit on the table, and she complies. You have one of the men tie her hands together while the other ties her legs together. Jade lays back on the table and you have the men confirm that she is unable to untie her limbs. The men confirm it.

“Now men I just need you to do one last thing for me,” you walk over to Jade and point at a harness attached to the bottom of the table, one near her neck, the other near her legs, “I need you to attached these to Jade, make sure they’re tight but please not too tight as we wouldn’t want to harm this lovely lady.”

The men do as instructed, and confirm that Jade is unable to escape from the binds.

“Thank you for your help, everyone give them a round of applause,” you say as the men take their seats. The audience claps, and the men wave with slight blushes on their face. You walk over to the boxes, and put them over Jade.

“Now the two gentlemen have assured us that Jade cannot get out of her binds, we have also been assured that the saw is in fact…Real,” you walk over to the front of the box, locking it in place, then you open one of the side windows, “How are you doing in there Jade?”

“I’m good, if not a little uncomfortable,” she replies with a grin.

“Excellent,” you close the door, and grab the saw holding it up in the air. You walk over behind the box, and say the magic words, “Ladies and Gentlemen if I could have your attention, please. Watch as the blade passes through her body,” You raise the saw and stick it through the box, pretending to struggle a little. A gasp is heard through the otherwise silent crowd.

Jade makes pained noises in the box, as you pick up the second saw, and do the same with it as the first. You know she’s safe though, you’re a magician after all. Quickly after the second one is put through, you walk around the box and unlock it. You pull it apart to show that she is indeed cut in half. You stand in front of it with your arms wide, as the crowd applauses you in shock.

“Don’t worry, dear audience, for I will put her back together in no time,” you say as you push the box back together, locking it in place. You walk around behind the box, and pull one saw out at a time, making sure to be as dramatic about it as possible.

When the saws are out, you pick the boxes up from on top of Jade one at a time. Jade’s laying there looking much the same as she did before. You quickly untie her and the audience cheers as she stands up and bows, a huge grin plastered on her face.

You smile at her, and say to the audience, “Let’s hear it for my lovely assistant tonight, Jade,” and there are some hooting and hollering from the bar area.

After you get your equipment back into the car, you walk to the bar and take a seat on one of the stools. Dave makes his way over to you, smirking.

“That trick was pretty wicked sweet,” he leans on the counter in front of you, “care to tell me your secret, good sir?”

You wink at him, “A good magician would never tell a stranger his secrets,” you grin and you lean in and give him a soft kiss, “But, good thing you’re not a stranger.”

He grins at you, and ruffles your hair, “My shifts almost over, want anything to drink? On the house for such an amazing performance.”

Dave’s shift ends twenty minutes later, and the two of you walk through the back door, hand in hand toward the car. He’s telling you about this girl that had tried hitting on him, but ended up falling off her stool. You laughed at the image in your mind, when all of a sudden you felt like someone was watching you. You paused, and looked behind you to see Dave’s Bro.

Dave pauses, and turns around too, seeing his bro he shouts out, “What the fuck are you doing, creeping around in the alleyway?”

“Waiting for your dumbass,” he steps away from the wall, and walks over to the two of you, “actually I need to speak to your boy toy.”

“I’m not a boy toy,” you glare at him; he always says shit like this.

“Yah, yah. That’s not important right now,” he looks down at you through his pointy shades, “fun show you did tonight. Impressive, almost.”

“You watched my show,” you look down at the ground, blushing a little, “I guess it was pretty cool.”

“It was a great finale anyway,” Bro shrugs, looking up at the sky.

“Finale? What the fuck are you talking about, Bro,” Dave interjects.

“You fucking heard me. Finale. He’s done here, I’ve scratched his back for long enough with getting nothing in return. Of course, I might reconsider if you do something for me,” he looks around nonchalantly.

“Bro, leave John out of your bullshit backdoor business. We don’t need that trouble,” Dave understands exactly what Bro is getting at.

It takes you a while to get it, though. Dave looks pissed, and Bro is still looking around like he wasn’t asking you to break the law for him. Yah, you knew about the shit that went on up the stairs of Bro’s bar. You’d been dating Dave long enough, you found things out eventually.

“Look, kid. If ya want to know more, just meet me in my office tomorrow. 9pm. Sharp. Be there on time, or don’t bother being there at all,” he says, turns around and walks off.

The ride back to your shared apartment was a quiet one. Sometimes, one or two of you would try to make small talk, but it just made the air feel awkward. It’d been a while since this kind of air had been surrounding the two of you. It grew tenser when you walked into through the door.

“You’re not really considering meeting up with him tomorrow, are you? I can see it on your face, you got that look that just says you’re thinking about doing this bullshit.”

“Dave,” you sigh, “I really need to do those shows! Most of the gigs I get these days are from the parents that frequent that bar.” Dave sighs, but doesn’t say anything. He leans against the kitchen counter, arms crossed. You walk over to him, and pull his arms out of their crossed state, and hold his hands in yours.

“Dave,” you say quietly, “We can’t afford to live off of your bartending salary. You know this. I wish we could, but we can’t.”

He looks up at you, “You don’t even know what he wants you to do. You don’t even know what kind of business he’s got going on up there.”

“I know enough. And, if it seems like its way too dangerous or something, I just won’t do it. I’ll walk away.”

“Fine,” he sighed and looked up at you through his aviators, “Fine you can go. But, there is no way in Hell I am letting you go alone.”

You grin at him and pull him into a hug. He begrudgingly hugs you back, but you know he appreciates it. He’s just not happy with the situation. The next night the two of you hop into the car, and Dave drives you back to the bar. The only difference is, you don’t have a show, and he doesn’t have to work. It feels really weird to you.

“John, are you sure you want to do this?” he looks over at you, concern clear on his face.

You look back at him, and smile uneasily, “Yah, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”

He sighs, and gets out of the car. You follow suit.

When you used to imagine Bro Strider’s office, you imagined it would look something like his apartment did when you would visit back in High School. Filled with smuppets and muppet baby posters. But, you’re actually really surprised when you walk in and it looks like, well, an office.

You’re sitting in one of the chairs in front of his desk, and Dave’s sitting in the one next to you. Bro didn’t even look surprised to see Dave when he walked in behind you. You could tell Dave was on edge though, like he was expecting a smuppet to fly at him out of nowhere. But, you knew it wasn’t that. When you’d both walked in, all of Bro’s “crew” had been giving you an evil glare. Dave was ready to kick someone’s ass if they so much as sneezed on you.

Bro looks at you, his fingers steepled, and his shades discarded for the moment. You look back at him nervously. You’re really fucking nervous, holy shit.

“I can guess you’re wondering what I’ve called you here for on this fine night.”

“Yah… Kind of.”

“Well, I’m sure Dave’s told you a bit about what goes on up here.”

“I know a bit, yah.”

“Aight, well I won’t beat around the fucking bush then. I need you to nab something from the local jewelry store downtown.”

You stare at him silently, unsure if he’s actually joking or if he’s being serious. You keep waiting for his cameras to pop out, and him to burst out laughing shouting about how good he got you. But, his face looks dead serious, and remains that way.

“Why John? You have a bunch of fuckheads back there willing to do this shit for you,” Dave asks for you.

“Look at your boyfriend for a second, and then look at those fuckheads back there. John’s got a petite frame, his fingers are slim, and that shit head,” he points at you, looking at Dave, “has snuck up on me more times at Christmas parties then I care to fucking admit. He’s perfect for this kind of job.”

You’re blushing. You weren’t petite. You were a man, goddamnit. A slightly smaller man, but a man nonetheless.

“So, you want me to sneak into the store, grab something, and that’s it?”

He looks back over at you, “Yah, if you’re up for it, I can give you the low-down, and get you suited up for the job.”

You look over at Dave. He sighs and rubs his temples, “Fuck, you’re not going to let me go with him, are you?”

“Hell no, dude’s a big boy, Dave. I’m sure he can figure this shit out by himself.”

You knew that if you fucked this up, you’d be in big trouble. You also figured out, that this was a test. What kind of test exactly, you weren’t sure, but you knew you had to fucking pass. You were shaking. Bro had decked you out in black clothes, a backpack with some normal clothes in them, and a radio which worked in a really confusing way. He’d run the plan by you multiple times, and assured you that he’d have some guy named Sollux manning the cameras. But, you were still nervous. Oh god, you were sure you were gonna puke.

You walked down the alley between the jewelry store, and the building next to it. Bro had said there was a window there that you could climb in. Sollux would have shut off the alarm by the time you got there. You looked around, and found the window. It was pretty high up; curse your legs for not being taller.

Finding a box near the trash can, you drag it over, and put it in front of the window. Stepping on it carefully, you reached up to the window, and pushed it open. You threw your backpack in through first, and then pulled yourself up through the window. You dropped onto the floor in a heap.

You picked up the backpack, slinging it around your shoulders, and pressed your back to the wall. You could hear talking down the hall. When you realized they hadn’t heard you, you let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. You look around; trying to remember where Bro said you’d land.

“Are you in?” a voice sounded in your ear. You think it was that Sollux guy.

You whisper back, “Yah, can’t you see me?”

“No, you’re in the fucking shadowth you idi—Ow wath that necethary?”

“What is going on over there?”

“Your fucking boyfriend hath an arm on him. Pleath tell him to thtop hitting me.”

“I don’t have time for this, oh my god,” you whisper harshly back, “tell me what the fuck to do so I can get out of here.”

“Right, thorry about that. Could you wave for me or thomthing, I need to figure out where you are.”

You do as he instructed.

“Alright, I thee you. You need to go to the left, and find a thafe. I think it’th behind thome dethk.”

“I can’t go back there, someone’s back there,” you were liking this less and less.

“Then fucking dithtract them, I’m the technician not an expert on ditth,” the radio goes silent for a moment, and you almost start panicking.

“Alright, John, ignore that piece of shit,” immediately you calm down a little as you hear Dave’s voice in your ear, “Do you see that glass cabinet of really expensive looking jewelry?”

“Yah, what about it?”

“Take that really heavy looking thing I put in your backpack, and chuck it at that.”

“Won’t that make the guy come out, I mean I’m right next to the door won’t he see me?”

“Well, that’s why you have to be quick. Throw the thing, then when he runs out you run in through the doorway behind him.”

You take a deep breath, and unzip your pack quietly. You fingers shake as you pull the thing out, it’s square and looks like it could be a brick, but it’s black. You grip it tightly, and look over at the china cabinet. You throw your pack over your back again, and throw the brick across toward the cabinet.

The crash it makes startles you, and you press yourself against the wall as you hear a shout from inside the door. A big man walks out of the door next to you. He looks angry, red, and like he could strangle you with a finger. He walks over to the broken cabinet, a confused look on his face as you sneak quietly through the door. You don’t even know if you’re breathing anymore.

You can hear the man shouting in the other room. You spot a desk, and rush over to it. Behind it, there is indeed a safe. You’re not a safe breaker though, and you can feel panic rising as you duck behind the desk and in front of the safe.

“Guys, I don’t know how to get into this shit,” you whisper into the radio, breathless.

“No worrieth, go back into your bag. There should be a devithe in there. I showed you how to uthe it before you left. Remember?” his voice is calm; you think maybe he feels bad for you.

You dig through your bag quickly, and trying to stay quiet. You can hear the man swearing about all the broken shit. You feel bad for him, but you have no time. He’s going to try to call the cops soon, you can just tell. You rack your brain, as you pull the device from your backpack, trying to recall how it works.

Your hands work on their own accord, sticking the device to the safe, clicking on a button. It moves the safe’s dial, and after a few seconds it opens. You don’t know how that little thing knew the code, and you don’t care anymore. You see the jewel sitting there. You grabbed it and stuffed it into a small bag, and stuffed that in your backpack.

Sirens were sounding in the near distance. Quickly, you looked around, and spotted a window above you. You had no time to worry about alarms; you could hear the man coming back. You push the desk to the window, climb it and open the window. You have no time to think about how you’re going to get down on the other side. You push yourself through, and you can hear a shout as the man walks into the desk. He probably sees your legs.

You drop to the ground, and wince. That fucking hurt. You realize you’re in the alley again, and police lights are on either side of it. You do the first thing you can think of. You climb into the dumpster nearby. You hold your breath, as you hear people running by. Some stop right in front of you. God you wish they would hurry up; the smell is going to make you either pass out, or throw up everything you’ve ever eaten.

“Do you think they’d jump into there?”

“Are you kidding? No one can climb up into there. That’s way too high, plus who would want to deal with that stink. I can smell it from here. Disgusting.”

“Yah, I guess,” the men continue on their way.

You count to one hundred in your head, and listen carefully. No noises come from the alley. You peek your head up, and see the lights have disappeared down one end. They must have thought you’d run off. You hop quietly out of the dumpster, before quickly vomiting up your lunch beside it. You spit, and in the darkness you strip your clothes off, throwing them in the dumpster.

In the new clothes, you feel a little safer. You walk down the alley, and further into the darkness. No one stops you. Though, some shoot you some looks of disgust at how you smell.

You walk into the backdoor of the bar, about an hour later. You’d taken many back roads, alleyways, and stopped and smelled some roses along the way. You walk up the stairs to the top level of the bar. When you make it to the top you are immediately crushed as Dave almost tackles you down.

“Jesus fuck man, sirens have been going off all around town. I was worried as fuck,” he mumbles, loud enough so only you could hear him.

You wrap your arms around him, and bury your face in his shoulder. You moment is interrupted as Bro walks over to you and began searching the bag on your back. He pulls the smaller bag out, and checks the contents. 

“Awesome, you got and you didn’t get caught. Not going to lie, I’m surprised.”

Dave lets go of you, and glares up at his brother.You turn and look at Bro, “You didn’t think I’d come back? What the fuck, that’s rude.”

He shrugs, “I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I figured you had to have some kind of survival skills in ya, having dated my shithead for a brother for as long as you have.”

You laugh, maybe it’s because of nerves or you’re just tired, but you can’t stop laughing. You hear Dave mumble something about him not being that bad, and that just makes you laugh harder.

Later that night, Dave has you trapped in his arms. You’d taken about five showers, convinced you still smelled like the dumpster, before Dave has forced you to lay down with him. Tonight, you think you could deal with being the little spoon.

"Next time, I'm going with you," he mumbles into your hair clearly exhausted from the night of worry.

You grin softly, the adreneline having worn off a few hours ago and wrap his arms around you tighter.

"I wouldn't expect anything different," you mumble back.

You can feel his grin as your eyes slowly drift to a close. Thoughts of the night run through your head until you pass out from exhaustion. It was one of the best nights sleep you'd gotten in a very long time. 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel so bad this took me sooo long to get out. I've had it written for about a week and a half now, it just took me a long time to find time to edit it. Chapter 4 for "When Good Heists Go Bad" I'm hoping will be finished by next week sometime. I have midterms this week, and Spring Break is coming up so I'll work extra hard to get stuff out during that time. I hope you enjoy the story! Again, sorry it's unedited at the moment, and that it took so long to get out. 
> 
> I forgot to add some links: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=948xkM1oXGw [song that inspired the backstory]  
> http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/2010/03/26/understanding-magic-13-the-famous-sawing-a-woman-in-half-trick-new-and-improved/ [my sawing lady in half research]


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